Not a pink guitar; just a bleeding one

Is there any scientific basis for my observation that Thailand has many more birds than Laos?  And if so, why? In LPB I used to have sparrows nesting in the eaves of my house and you would sometimes see small dippers at the water’s edge and occasionally cranes in the rice fields, but they are not common sights.  I would have expected more ‘modern’ farming methods in Thailand to have suppressed bird life a bit, but I am sitting here on my balcony watching and listening to several varieties of birds. Do we trap and eat them in Laos but not in Thailand?  I know that in the Xieng Khouan area on the hilltops they have special traps for small birds which are then marinated in some form of alcohol. Also I recall seeing small bunches of little birds for sale in Oudamxai..they were so small and scrawny that it is difficult to think that there was enough flesh to be worth the bother. But then nothing goes to waste in Laos when it comes to food.

There is a Russian staying at my Guesthouse. Worse, much, worse than that, he has a guitar, which of course he attempts to play. I think he imagines himself to be a classical guitarist, although it is hard to tell. This morning he invited me to come for a swim in the Mekong with him…what can you do with people like that? Drown them maybe? He appears to be staying for a second night; like Oscar Wilde's hotel wallpaper, one of us has to go. He is currently sitting on someone else's balcony; they are presumably in hiding.   (OHHHHH   see below; there is a God and She is good)

I arrived in Lampang to be greeted with the news that it currently has the worst air quality of any province in Thailand. Worse than Bangkok?  Oh well, so much for my complaining about Lao farmers and stubble burning. In fact I was not aware of a problem but then I was staying in a part of the province where there was more teak and fruit growing taking place rather than rice growing. My hosts had tamarinds, bananas, lemon, lime, papaya, jackfruit, pomelo and mango. Nearby was an arboretum, a cave a national park and a Buddhist shrine, none of which I got to see before I left for Chiang Rai and back to Chiang Khong. 

I have been doing quite a lot of bus travel and can confirm that there is no clear rule that men sit at the back of the bus, although there seems to be a marked tendency for them to do so. In a crisis they will sit anywhere…whilst their partner stands, squats or perches on the luggage. Thailand may have a woman PM, but in rural areas  it seems that women  still ‘know their place’. Travel by public (as distinct from tourist) bus is cheap and usually quite swift. If the buses come in various conditions, the roads are generally excellent. It is difficult to compare prices between Laos and Thailand because journey times vary so much. I would estimate that it takes half the time to cover a given distance in Thailand compared to Laos.  Foreign prices do not mean much I know, but a 80k journey cost me a little over one pound and a 200k one just over two.

But when I began my journey I had been unaware of the following story  “8 die and 51 injured as  Lampang bus crashes into a fuel station…..it  is believed that the driver dozed off behind the wheel”.

(December 2011)

For once I am able to attach a photo to break up the monotony of my writing.

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Which brings me neatly back to the Russian with a guitar. I only expect you to believe this story on the grounds that I lack the creative ability to have made it up….

Literally as I was writing this blog there was a bang and a twang outside. After a suitable interval, people arrived to see what had occurred. Yes !  The Russian had fallen into the fish pond, striking  his head ( a matter of no moment) and smashing his  guitar (oh yes, delicious). The GH owner wanted him to go to hospital, but since he was  obviously high under the influence of illegal substances  (bad music or something even more against the law of the land) he showed remarkable intelligence in declining this offer. As he was led back to his room,  head bleeding satisfactorily, another guest enquired of me what had happened. I explained as best as I could, and said that I really  hoped he had smashed his guitar. He agreed, saying, “Yes, better his guitar than his head”, which just goes to prove that there are still decent, well meaning and profoundly foolish people out there. But then, maybe he was right?

I think that is a sufficiently optimistic and uplifting note on which to finish for today.

ALAN

Happy Valentine's Day

I am writing this from the honeymoon suite of the Guest House in Chiang Khong. Maybe I should explain.

When I stayed here a week or so back there was a fire; not life threatening, but moderately spectacular. The management and the 3 staff on duty set about bringing it under control, and asked guests to help out. With the majority of guests being backpackers, the response was predictably pretty poor; they had more pressing matters to attend to, like have another beer or finish a hand of cards. Two French girls consented to run around like headless poulets, and an English youth managed to get to the scene and stand in the way while taking photos. (It was GB Shaw, I think, who said that ‘youth is wasted on young’…it is hard to disagree.)The only positive responses were from a young Spanish guy and me. I shall not bore you with tales of my heroism, since that would take too long (to invent) but when I returned a few days ago I was greeted like a conquering hero and given the best room in the place…heavily discounted.

As a honeymoon suite it has a few odd features. On my balcony, along with a chaise longue, and a table, there are 3 chairs?   Three?   And Mother came too? Also, it is literally underneath the dining room so in the early evening not the quietest room. They have put cloths around the table and chair feet and legs (like a Victorian Drawing Room?) to reduce the noise, but without a great amount of  success, so  it often sounds as though there are people coming into the room, which would not be ideal for honeymooners I guess. But later on it is fabulously quiet. Sometimes I can even hear the river and nothing else. There are no windows between the bedroom and balcony, just screens which I keep open all night so I have panoramic views of the river. Though last night there was Lao music from some kind of resort for The Party faithful across the river. It continued past 2am and then started up again at 5.30. Maybe it is for not the Party faithful; maybe it is a re-education camp since it seems a very unattractive regime.

The two excellent things about the suite are the amount of space I have, and more especially, the view. It is without doubt the best seat in the house! I have been getting up at 6am to ensure that I get the full benefit of the sunrise. It rises behind the hills on the Lao side of the river. But the best laid plans of mice and men………………I had quite forgotten that this is the stubble burning season in Laos. (No, that is not something   that is conducted in the barbershop; remember that many Lao men never have to shave, let alone burn off their stubble.)  But in February the rice fields are fully dried out and, despite, or maybe because of (?) governmental lectures, the rice growers seemingly as one, burn off the stubble, causing a major environmental problem.  Some days the sun cannot be seen through the smoke until it is high in the sky about 10am, but I shall keep on trying…..hope springs eternal. SEE BELOW !

Another gem from the childhood of the GH owner; she recalls that if you were ill what you did was get across to Laos to the French hospital as fast as you could. Somehow it seems that things have changed a little since then.

Most of the books in the small library of the GH are in German, but then most of the classical CDs are also German, which is enabling me to download quite lot of music that I had not previously saved. I have few traveller’s tales to tell this time, as I came up here quite uneventfully by car. The only curiosity was that I was expected to navigate on the grounds that I had been here before and my companions had not.  With no maps, and road signs mostly in Lao script I consider that getting here without a single wrong turning was an achievement of the highest order. Of my fellow guests the only one I feel I should comment upon is a gruesome Australian. He has clearly come here to buy a Thai wife….but in Chiang Khong?  Maybe prices are lower here. If there is any justice in the world then someone of his appearance and personality will be charged a special premium. Oh there was an odd German too; one of those annoying people who talks loudly to himself in order to try and attract your attention so he can engage you in conversation. One would have assumed that he might talk to himself in German, but he chose English which was a bit of a giveaway.

The other day I was taken to a town called Fang, which is pronounced Farng, a pronunciation that led me to believe that we were going to a farm.  I am right up as far north as you can get in Thailand, close to the Burmese border and I am told that the small towns and villages we passed are all populated by hill tribes people. Two things struck me; there were more churches than temples, and apparently no banks. Clearly the missionaries got here before the usurers, and people are saving their souls rather than their money. Most villages seemed to have a small church, based vaguely on the style of a New England church though utilising   I have no idea how well supported these  churches  are; they mostly looked as though they only opened for business one day a week, whereas the fewer but grander temples always looked busy.

On the subject of Churches, the rather ugly Guesthouse next to mine, which is standing empty, is apparently owned by some Christian sect. It has in its grounds a fabulous, if tatty old teak house, which would make a great bar or maybe bar and spa combined as it has verandas all round with great views on 3 sides. It is apparently going to be pulled down. It ought to be possible to move it, being entirely wooden framed, but its views are part of its charm and stuck somewhere else it might not look so good. I would be happy to think about renting it but I am not sure that a Christian Creationist sect might think me a ‘fit and proper person’ to occupy their property.

Mentioning a spa reminds me that just before I left Luang Prabang I went to the Red Cross sauna. Now there is nothing remotely disreputable about it, but somehow I was very surprised to find 3 novice monks there!  Where a sauna fits in with their rules I do not know, but clearly they have funds to spend on such outings which is a little surprising. As elsewhere, the older generation talk of life in the temple as not ‘being like it used to be’, but one does start to wonder  about the point of it all when the monastic life has to be sustained by mobile phones, laptop computers and now saunas.  Can expensive trainers and ray bans be far behind?

Apart from having an ‘around the world cyclist’ Chiang Khong has one further claim to fame. Apparently, the largest freshwater fish ever caught was landed here some years back. It was a catfish and weighed in at 646 pounds or 293 kilos. Given the dams that the Chinese have built further up stream and those that the Lao government plan it seems likely that that if that record is to be broken it will not be broken in the waters of the Mekong. Just upriver from where I am staying someone  has put up a poster “No Dams on the Mekong”; one cannot imagine such a counter -revolutionary call to arms being permitted across the other side, unless the Thai side announces a building scheme, then we shall soon learn that Socialist dams are Good....Capitalist ones are Bad.

I know that Valentine’s Day is a big event in Laos; as the day unfolds I shall discover whether the same is true in Thailand. And since I have the honeymoon suite.....who knows?   But I saw the sunrise this morning. ! It took just about 3 minutes from its first appearance behind the hills to its full emergence, which was quicker than I had anticipated, but then had I paid more attention to science classes at school I suppose I would have known that.

ALAN

Greetings from Mae Sae

As you may recall, the Letter from Laos used to start and end with a diatribe with just a general rant in between. Now I am not promising to turn over a new leaf with a new Blog, but for once let me start on a positive note.

Anyone travelling to Northern Thailand and heading to or from the Lao border should check this address;

 www.chiang-khong-guesthouse.com

  That is where I stayed for 4 nights and to where I shall be returning before too long. It is idyllic (apart from the Lao music from across the river, sometimes until 2am), the staff are lovely and it is so cheap. It is not luxury, but it has all anyone needs, including excellent WIFI. More of my stay there follows later.

I started last week with the observation that I was not a natural traveller. Confirmation of that fact occurred when I wondered why my bags were so heavy. On checking, it did occur to me that I might be the only traveller in these parts who, amongst other items, had packed the following

1. Large jar of Marmite (half full)

2. Two heavy cricket sweaters

3. Two fleece jackets

4. An 800 page biography of Rudolf Nureyev (hard back)

5. The 1963 edition of Wisden Cricketers’ Almanac (900 pages)

6. “Scores and results” of Sussex County cricket Club 1728/1957.

7. The 1948 ‘Playfair Cricket Annual’

Several of the above, and other sundry items have been left for safe-keeping at the above mentioned Guest House. This means that my goods and chattels are now distributed among at least 6 places, and soon to become 7. I say ‘at least’ because that figure does not include various pawn shops, money lenders and private homes where property stolen from me currently resides. Of all the losses it is the camera that galls me most, and the loss of the ceiling fan which is most intriguing, since some effort had to go into unscrewing it and its resale value must have been pretty small.  It is probably as well that the vacuum cleaner was stolen or I might have packed it for my travels.

The GH owner was able to clarify for me something that had puzzled me for some while….why the Hmong people, who hail originally from China, use the Western alphabet rather than Chinese or Lao or Thai script. Apparently, during their many travels they ‘lost’ their own written language and it was Christian Missionaries who, with their usual cultural sensitivity, transcribed the spoken language into the only written language that they knew. She also recalled how as a child she had been targetted by missionaries and been given a copy of ‘the book’. But being a good Buddhist girl she was deeply shocked by the story that a child had been conceived out of wedlock, and returned ‘the book’, regarding Christianity as an encouragement of sinful behavior.  A novel take on Christianity.

I have heard the Leo people on the subject of Thais before, but I had not previously heard the reverse account, and it is even less flattering. It seems that ‘all’ Leo people are lazy and drunk and often unable to go to work because of the previous night’s excesses. I did briefly recall my builders, but thought it best to assure people that this view was a little sweeping and unfair.

There were no truly dreadful people at the Guest House, even though if  might go onto one of my usual subjects, I find odd that the backpackers are still abed at 10 and 11 am, having stayed up most of the night to drink and play cards. Surely it must be cheaper and more convenient to do that at home?  They missed the sunrise over the Mekong, which occurred just before 7am. I have seen the sunset over the Mekong many times, but I cannot recall seeing it rise before.  It was fascinating how its reflection starts out as a vivid red, changes to orange, and then yellow, before diffusing into silver. All in the space of about 40 minutes.  I suppose the sun has been doing that for at least all of the 65 years that I have been around, and maybe even longer; it has taken me that long to notice. Oh well, better late than never.

There was a French girl there who spoke excellent…perfect indeed, English. But I think she must have been taught it in a convent or by an elderly governess as she had no understanding whatsoever of any idiomatic English, which slowed the conversation down to snail’s pace.  I had not previously been aware of just how much we use idiomatic, rather than textbook speech.

As I write this I am having my first glass of wine in 5 days, not that I expect anyone to believe that. I bought it at my second attempt in Tesco Lotus. Wine here is much dearer than in Laos, and there are odd licensing laws that permit you to buy alcohol between 11am and 2pm and 5 and 8pm. I suspect that like most laws designed to curb drinking it has the reverse effect and encourages stockpiling…well, it does with me anyway! It is not a great wine and I am drinking it out of a brandy glass, but being a wine snob is one sin I can plead not guilty to.

We went out to dinner last night and we were joined by another guest, a young man from Bangkok who was making his first visit 'oop north'.  He had obviously expecting it to be like Iceland or Alaska since he sat all night wrapped in a fleece lined overcoat, whilst the rest of us were in short sleeved shirts. ( My having discarded a fleece and cricket sweater earlier.) He was detirmined to be sociable and use all the English he knew. But sadly I could only make out the words, 'pizza, football, bus, mushroom, Lao and Chiang Rai’. It felt as though I had been signed up for a 1980s TV panel game   (under the Chairmanship of Lionel Blair, of course) where you were given 6 random words and had to invent a credible story.

 It is in fact a little cooler in the mornings here than in Luang Prabang.

When we got home the statutory comedy drunk arrived and invited me to the funeral party down the road. It seems that they were a bit short of card players, and clearly a farang who did not know the rules would make an excellent addition to the table. The funeral itself is tomorrow, the old boy having been in his box in the sitting room for 4 days now. I am unsure whether my attendance is expected. The funeral might have one pleasant spin off. Usually the day starts here about 6.45am with a loud crackling noise followed by some pop music, and then we hear a megalomaniac (aka the village head man) behind a microphone giving his take on today’s news…..or he may be reading out the telephone directory for all I know. This has not happened yet, and I am guessing that it might be out of respect for the deceased; or maybe someone just pulled the plug out one day.

On the bus here I noticed an odd thing, which I shall explore further. I sat towards the front of the bus and after a while noticed that appeared to be no other men on the bus. In fact there were, but they all sat at the back. I was in the only man in the girly seats at the front, although as an obviously  ignorant tourist I don’t suppose this caused too much offence. But I wonder if that is usual, or was just a one off.

I am assured that the new bridge over the Mekong just below Chiang Khong/Houxai will be finished this year. I can only say that that seems as improbable as London being ready for the 2013 Olympic Games. It is being built in a tripartite arrangement between Thailand, Laos and China and one delay was caused when the Chinese insisted on importing an all Chinese labour force and the Thais told them to bugger off, which caused a bit of a hiatus.

 I think that we can assume the following…

1.       The Thai element will be finished more or less to time and done with reasonable competence

2.       The Chinese element will be built to time, but will be soon washed away by the river as the engineers will have sold off most of the cement and used sand instead.

3.       The Lao element will neither be finished to time, nor will it quite meet up in the right place, and a ferry will be required to transport travellers between the Lao and other sections. (The contract for which will be let to a senior member of The Party).

On which note I bid you adieu; the next exciting installment of the blog comes from ‘somewhere in Thailand’…..

ALAN

Welcome to this exciting new read!

It has become apparent to me that I am not a natural traveller. The real traveller is an optimist, whereas when I am travelling, my own natural optimism is tempered by a belief that most of my fellow travellers are there solely to annoy me..a view which seems to be accurate most of the time. Thinking that through I have prepared the following notes of warning to potential travellers.

Avoid
1 .Men with unkempt beards; they without exception will be vain, dull and opinionated.
2 .Women with beards; kempt or unkempt
3. Men of my age with any of the following; a pony tail, a bum bag, vest or cut down jeans.
4. Anyone who is or who might be, French or Russian
5. Anyone under the age of 30
6 .Anyone smoking (They will almost certainly be in categories 1,2,3 and 5 anyway)
7. Anyone carrying a guitar. In fact, when sighted, ideally you should check your insurance policy to see if you are covered against such a  catastrophe or whether it is deemed an Act of God.
8 .Anyone taking far too many photos of dull subjects....just imagine; one day they are going to want to show them to someone...and as the saying goes, "It could be you".

I am currently staying at a fabulous guesthouse on the banks of the Mekong. I have a tiny room but I can lie in bed and see the river and have free WIFI all for $3 a night. So far the only downside to it seems to be the non stop  noise of Lao music coming over the river....clearly promoted by the Lao Government to undermine the Thai economy.(And the Lao government is expert in that; it has had so much experience undermining its own.)   How far do I have to travel, I wonder to avoid Lao music? I thought that leaving the country might do the trick......
With a larger room and a Thai  SAS type  raid on Laos to silence the music it feels  as though  I could live here forever, though sadly, like in Laos I cannot receive Test Match Special. One nice touch here is that the bar and kitchen operate on an honesty basis...help yourself and write it in the book ! All the other guests are in category 5, but so far there has been no evidence of a guitar being smuggled in.

To demonstrate that Thailand is not without its peculiarities, I was told by the GH owner that finding the local laundry was not easy as they only had a sign in Thai. To put up a sign in Thai costs them a fee of 30Baht  (say 60 pence ) a year but for  putting  one in English the fee comes out at a massive 100 baht. So the owner cheerfully forgoes much tourist business rather than take that sort of cr@p.  Someone after my own heart I feel...I shall be putting as much business their way as my wardrobe permits.

I am close enough to Laos to be able to use up the last of my Lao mobile phone credit and to receive calls on my number, although a Thai SIM card is on my shopping list.

Since this blog is concerned with Thailand, and not its neighbours, I shall only briefly dwell on Lao matters. I thought  though that I should share with you the fact that recently  a journalist told me that the ex PM of Laos, who was booted out for being too pro Chinese, or too pro Vietnamese...I am not sure which, retired with 2 BILLION  $US in his private account. I just checked the GNP of Laos; it is 14 Billion. So he managed to earn 1/7 of the whole national economy. Doing a comparison with UK, had Mr Brown secured a similar % from the UK, his 'pension fund' would stand at 200,000 Billion US$ Now people have different views about Mr B. but I doubt that anyone would claim that he was in receipt of funds of that magnitude though some might suggest that he would somehow contrive to lose most of it quite rapidly if he were.

My journey here on the Ship of Fools was without any great excitement, although most of the categories of traveller I wrote about above were present. As was the inevitable card school, which given the absence  of any tables, had to be convened on the floor, to the inconvenience to most passengers but ignored by the players, as were  of course, the scenery, the wildlife, the  riverside villagers and eventually the sunset. The ship  ran out of petrol on day 2 and we started drifting leisurely back to  Luang Prabang. Eventually we managed to tie up  and and wait for another boat to come alongside  and fetch us some petrol. It was during this hiatus that a category 2, 5, 6 and 7 passenger emerged to 'entertain' us, with a medley of songs starting of course, with Hotel California....oddly apt in the circumstances!  She had one fan; a category 1,3 6 traveller and  a truly and utterly  dreadful example of humankind.The other oddity was a man (category 4, 6,8) who bore an uncanny resemblance to William Hague, reminding me Tony Banks' great, but cruel remark that Hague looked like a foetus and expected that many Conservative MPs now wished they had voted for abortion. Hague also of course looks like the Mekon of  Dan Dare and "The Eagle" fame, and the idea of the Mekon on the Mekong rather appealed. (Readers aged under 50 might struggle with that last reference.)

The compulsory overnight stay in Houxai (the Lao border town) (compulsory as the ships make sure they arrive after the border has closed for the evening...a rare example of the Lao entrepreneurial spirit) was also without excitment. In fact the only excitement in Houxai is watching the lorries load up onto the ferry boats cross the river. And that is only interesting for the antics of the guy who oversees this operation.He is fabulously camp with dyed auburn hair held in place by an Alice band, and a handbag. To watch him mincing between the lorries driven by macho men of several nations is pure theatre.

I have read that one of the delights of Chiang Khong, which is my current base, is a Mexican restaurant where the food is to die for.  That will make a nice change from that dreadful so called tex-mex food chain that operates in UK. I shall explore it myself this evening if I can stir myself from this Garden of Eden ( and the Test Match score updates). I am told that CK's most famous resident is also a falang called Alan. He seems to be famous for cycling around the world in 140 days or so, which strikes me as an odd thing to do;I shall leave his fame unchallenged.

For the moment this blog is flying under false colours as I have no tall tales to tell. But I shall......promise !

ALAN